But now, for the first time in nearly eight years, I present to you my latest Prison Break recap:
Episode 5.01 Ogygia
Here we go...
We start by recapping Prison Break from the beginning. The recap skips over seasons three and four, which is probably a wise decision.
And now we've got cryptic Michael voice over talking about different types of death. Some are real, some are a story, some are ridiculous plot devices that we have to sweep away and pretend never happened.
In Michael's case his death left behind a brother, a wife, and a son. But was the man who died who we thought he was?
Dr Sara's drains are clogged with origami swans. Does this mean that Michael has been living up-drain of her and sending swans all this time?
In an undisclosed location somewhere, someone appears to be tattooing themselves.
And someone else makes a pinhole camera to take a picture...
Who could that be?
And we get a shot of dead Michael being dressed for burial. Is this to prove to us that he was actually dead? Or is something else going on here?
Location: Fox River Prison
Now we're in Chicago with the scum of Fox River himself, Theodore Bagwell. The guard seems as incredulous as I am that T-Bag's managed to get himself released.
T-Bag collects his belongings – money, a laptop, gum, and...
This mysterious envelope addressed to him in the prison that contains...
Looks like Lincoln is back to his old ways as a small-time crook currently on the run from some gangsters who he apparently owes a lot of money to. Michael would be so disappointed.
The guy threatening him gives up awfully easily, and Lincoln skips back home.
Where T-Bag is waiting for him.
Teasing him with the mysterious envelope.
Which contains the picture of Michael that we saw being taken earlier!
Along with this rather cryptic message. And an envelope with a magically changing address cos that's not what it said before.
Lincoln kicks T-Bag out, but keeps the letter. T-Bag says it's ok cos he's made a copy.
Location: Ithaca, New York
Lincoln has flown to New York where he rents a car and is suspicious about various other vehicles following him. Is he paranoid or on to something? And why is he in Ithaca?
He's here to see Dr Sara! Looking good, Sara, but last time I checked you were a wanted fugitive living in Costa Rica. How exactly do you now have this nice New York home?
Linc and Dr Sara give us some exposition which establishes the fact that she is now married to someone else. Boo.
Linc shows Dr Sara the picture and while he's convinced, she's more doubtful. But before they can get too deep into it, the door opens and Mike Jr arrives home with stepfather Jacob.
Jacob seems like a nice guy. I hope he doesn't die. But if that's what it takes to get Michael and Dr Sara back together, then sorry Jake.
Mike Jr wants to know if Lincoln has brought any sunken treasures back with him, cos Dr Sara has been telling him stories about the dive shop Linc had in Panama before they came back to the States. And I'm still wondering why they came back.
Dr Sara says that Mike Jr has mythologised his father as a god. A god he's never met, who's not here and who never will be again. Care to lay it on a bit thicker, Dr Sara? I'm not quite getting what you mean...
She does not believe what the picture is showing her and, quite reasonably, does not trust T-Bag as a source. She also says that she knows Linc wants it to be true and she wants it to be true, which is interesting. I'm not sure how husband number 2 features into that wish.
Location: Chicago Hotel Room
Over in a hotel room, T-Bag is being his usual creepy self on his laptop. But since this laptop has presumably been sitting in the Fox River possessions locker for the past seven years I'm finding it doubtful that T-Bag is able to do anything other than install a million updates.
Suddenly a notification pops up inviting him to a doctor's appointment tomorrow. It says “reminder” but this is clearly the first that Teddy's heard of it. Is this how appointments work in Prison Break world?
Lincoln has come to have a chat with Michael's grave about the mysterious picture. I'm pretty sure that his grave was by a beach before. Did they move it?
Or maybe it's a new headstone. I suppose they wouldn't have had his body at the beach so maybe the headstone there was just symbolic. Or maybe we're in an alternate universe, which would explain how he managed to live an extra five years than before.
Suddenly, Linc notices something weird about the cryptic words on the paper he's holding.
Taking a pencil eraser to the paper, he discovers the secret message: Ogygia. Which also happens to be the name of this episode. Funny how that happens.
Also, good thing T-Bag brought him the original page and not the copy cos otherwise this series would have been a lot shorter.
So it's off to the library to Google the episode title and surprise, surprise...
It's a prison. In Yemen. I really hope this isn't going to be like the god-awful Sona series.
Linc thinks that Michael is telling him where he is, but there's only one way to find out...
Digging up his corpse, apparently.
Location: Doctor's Office
T-Bag meets with the prosthetics doctor who explains that he specialises in making fully articulate prosthetics and an anonymous donor has given him a shit-load of funding money on the condition that T-Bag is his first patient.
Now that's not suspicious at all..
The doctor says that it's T-Bag's decision cos it's his hand, which sets off a lightbulb above his head as he remembers the cryptic “By your hand you shall know the glories of your progeny” message.
Meanwhile, Lincoln is doing a pretty good job in his new role as graverobber. He's made it down to the coffin where he finds...
I can't believe no one noticed they were burying an empty casket. Or was everyone in on it? Of course I'm still not clear on how exactly Michael got buried. Linc and Dr Sara were escaping the country at the time, so who exactly gave him such a nice burial plot?
But we did see earlier that Michael was dressed up in these clothes for burial, so presumably he was in the coffin at some point. Was he then swapped out by someone? And it has to be significant that the newspaper comes from Ithaca, where Dr Sara and her new husband now live.
Lincoln has a little breakdown with his brother's jacket.
Location: The Roads of New York
While waiting at some traffic lights, another car comes up beside Linc's.
Yeah, this guy isn't suspicious at all.
He remotely connects to Lincoln's car, disabling the brakes and revving the accelerator up to max. We get a nice shot of the word “electric” on the side of Linc's car for those of us who were doubting that something like this would be possible.
Amazingly, none of the cars crash into each other, and eventually Lincoln ends up going through a barrier at the side of the road and into a lake.
Lincoln and the jacket make it out of the water pretty much unscathed and head up the bank, to spy on the suspicious looking man. He pulls out a gun, but before he can go Lincoln-hunting, some concerned members of the public appear to wonder what happened. He says he's going to call the police but just drives away, leaving four people just staring at a slowly sinking car and making no attempts of their own to phone for help.
Location: Dr Sara's Lovely New York Home
Lincoln phones Dr Sara to tell her that he dug up Michael's grave. Nice opening there, Linc. He tells her that Michael wasn't in it and also, someone just tried to kill him.
He gives a detailed list of the various different cars that were following him back when he first arrived in New York, which I would have thought was a waste of time, but...
One of those cars has just pulled up outside Dr Sara's house.
She calls to Jacob to grab her gun and calls the police to tell them that an armed intruder is in her house.
Or will be very soon.
Evil Blonde Lady shoots Jacob in the leg. He tells her that it's just him alone in the house, but considering he was shouting “Sara!” a few seconds ago, I don't think Evil Blonde believes him.
Sara and Mike hide in the bathroom, where Sara shows off her superhuman strength by pulling a towel rail apart silently.
Dr Sara waits to stab the intruder, while Evil Blonde sees shadows under the door and realises their location. But then she hears the approaching sirens and leaves. I thought she was going to shoot through the door. This, combined with the fact that she didn't kill Jacob, makes me wonder if there's more to what's going on here.
Location: Hospital Waiting Room
Linc meets up with Dr Sara and Mike Jr at the hospital where Jacob is being treated for an almost completely severed femoral artery.
Mike Jr knows this has something to do with his real dad cos he's a wise-beyond-his-years TV kid who can read it in his mother's face.
Lincoln is all gung-ho for heading to Yemen to find answers. Dr Sara is all “Uh, I have a husband and a kid now, I can't just pack up and go to Yemen.”
Linc says he'll go alone and Dr Sara points out that he knows nothing about Yemen. So he'll find someone who does...
It's C-Note! Who is now a committed Muslim following the path of peace and love and doing what he can to help the struggle in the Middle East.
Which is exactly what Linc needs right now. The Middle East, that is, not the peace and love stuff. Lincoln don't got time for that.
Linc explains the situation and C-Note is wary. Apparently Ogygia is a prison for the worst of the worst and keeping a supposedly dead man there for seven years would take some pretty powerful people.
Saeed the computer guy recognises the mosque as one that would be seen from the prison from that angle, which convinces him that the photo's legit. Pretty low standards you've got there, Saeed.
C-Note calls the prison to ask if they've got a Michael Scofield there, which, really? Do you really think they're going to be holding him under his real name? What's wrong with you people? Didn't you didn't live through the past four seasons of this show?
Lincoln suggests pulling up a picture of Michael and sending that to the prison. C-Note cautions him against getting too deep into this, cos Yemen isn't a safe place at the moment and a white American with no command of Arabic won't do very well there.
Oh, gee, if only there was a non-white character who literally just spoke Arabic over the phone on this show...
Saeed pulls up some pictures of Michael, apparently just by searching his name so it's a good thing there aren't any other people in the world called Michael Scofield, and...
Either that's the most unflattering filter in the world, or someone has been going around erasing Michael from history.
C-Note is worried by who would have the ability to do something like that, and also suspicious that Michael might be more mastermind than victim.
Lincoln does not appreciate this slander against his brother.
Location: Operating Theatre of Hand Replacement
T-Bag makes it clear that he doesn't want to be put under a general anaesthetic cos he's worried about all the things the doctor could do with all the sharp instruments at his disposal.
The doctor is insistent that T-Bag really can't be conscious while he cuts him open and fiddles with his nerves, so T-Bag reluctantly accepts but with a side order of threats should the doc do anything he shouldn't.
Location: Hotel room
Linc's had Michael's jacket dry cleaned and decides to try it on. Anyone else find this a little creepy?
An unseen person approaches the door and rather than identifying himself like a normal person, just sneaks up on Lincoln in order to make us all think this is another assassin.
Lincoln punches the intruder, resulting in this absolutely fantastic screencap.
But it's not an assassin at all! It's Sucre! I'm still bitter that Sucre and Michael didn't get a hug in The Final Break, so they better get one in this series.
Oh look, Lincoln and Sucre get to hug.
Sucre wants to help rescue his boy Michael, but Linc doesn't think that Sucre's brand of sweet naivety is quite what he needs on this mission.
We discover that Sucre currently has a job riding a tramp. This does not mean, as Lincoln first suspects, that Sucre is now a pimp, but rather that he travels on a freelance cargo ship to wherever his corrupt boss tells him to go. I'm sure this won't be important later on.
Linc tells him to get back on that tramp, but Sucre is insistent. He's an international hitter now, a raconteur.
Lincoln is all “I don't think you know what that word means.” Oh, like you do Lincoln.
Sucre thinks being brown means he's more suited to this trip than Lincoln is, so C-Note appears right on cue to one up him by being both brown and an Arabic-speaker. With an added bonus of contacts in the area.
So it's decided, C-Note goes, Sucre stays. But Sucre says they better call him when they find Michael.
While this is going on, the two assassins are watching not-at-all inconspicuously from this glass enclosed walkway. I guess this proves they are indeed working together.
And they want Lincoln seriously dead, so they a take a photo to send to their people in Yemen.
Linc is surprised by how many people are trying to flee a war-torn country. They look for their contact, Sheba.
This guy says that Sheba sent him, right this way gentlemen.
But, uh oh, if he's their contact then who's this?
In the car the Fake Contact is chatting about how ISIL will take the city, kill all the secularists and install Sharia law. Lincoln is a bit concerned by how unconcerned the guy is by this.
They drive into a garage and realise IT'S A TRAP!
These guys appear wielding some nasty looking chains and hammers.
C-Note tries the peace and love approach.
But it doesn't work.
A fight ensues and I'm not sure the writers understand just how much damage these weapons would actually do.
Nice pile driver, Linc.
Our heroes emerge victorious and C-Note delivers the best line of the episode.
“Greetings from the US prison system, bitches.” Hee, I love you, C-Note.
Lincoln finds the phone and realises they were set up.
Sheba turns up to give them a lift, explaining that a contact at the airport saw them get into the wrong taxi.
Lincoln decides now would be a good time for everyone to lose their phones out the window.
Location: Operating Theatre of Hand Replacement
T-Bag has a robot hand!
The doctor tells him that he's been made whole and is free to go.
T-Bag isn't happy though, and wants to know what the doc put in him. Doc is all weird and cryptic, talking about T-Bag's soul.
T-Bag wants to know who's behind this and the doctor says “nobody”. By which he means, “Outis”, the Greek for nobody. Of course.
Location: Somewhere in Yemen
Lincoln is washing up and notices a label in his jacket saying it was made for Kaniel Outis. How convenient.
He heads down to meet up with C-Note, Sheba and a new face on the scene who is apparently Omar, their connection to the prison.
Omar wants payment for his help in the form of Linc's passport cos an American passport is very valuable around those parts.
C-Note advises him against this terrible idea, but Lincoln is determined to find his brother.
And hands it over.
Location: Ogygia Prison
This is clearly not a very nice place.
They go up to the desk and ask to see Michael Scofield, apparently forgetting the phone call C-Note made earlier which established that there's no one there called Michael Scofield.
When they're told (again) there's no one there called Michael Scofield, Linc thinks this was all a scam to get his passport. But Sheba trusts Omar so they try again with the picture of Michael.
This time the guard's all “Oh, Kaniel Outis” and Linc jumps up to say that's the guy.
Apparently the man in the picture is here and they can see him, but only cos they're with Sheba.
Sheba, meanwhile, is very unhappy with them and storms out. Turns out that Kaniel Outis is a big time ISIL terrorist.
Dun dun dun.
Location: Hospital waiting room/ Ogygia Prison
Mike Jr wants to hear about his real daddy again. And Dr Sara tells him all about the storm that was Michael Scofield, while we jump back and forth between them and the prison where Linc is anxiously waiting to see his brother again for the first time in years.
Mike Jr thinks that storms can come back, and Dr Sara agrees but wonders if it would be the same storm. So subtle, writers.
But now it's the moment we've all been waiting for as this particular storm rolls around again and Lincoln comes face to face with Kaniel Outis...
We have some weird close ups of his new tattoos, which are obviously going to be significant somehow. Or maybe Mike just missed his old ones and wanted some more. They do say that tattoos can be addictive.
Lincoln tells Michael that they're going to get him out but Michael's all “don't know you dude, and name's not Michael” before heading back to his cell.
His composure falters for a moment, which I suppose answers the question of whether he really had lost his memory or is deliberately lying.
We get more close ups of the creepy tattoo.
And a devastated Lincoln to end on.
Not the best episode, but I can't deny how excited I am to have this show back.
I really hope they come up with a good reason why Michael would abandon his family and let them believe he was dead. I had wondered if they did something to his brain to heal his tumour which also made him forget his old life, but his reaction to Lincoln seems to indicate that that's not the case. Unless they did do that and he's only recently remembered but has to keep pretending so people don't realise.
I'm suspicious of Dr Sara's husband. He's a bit too nice. And why didn't the assassin lady kill him? I'm not sure I like the idea of Dr Sara being taken in like that, but it would neatly resolve the problem of her having two husbands.
I'm not sure how I feel about the tattoos. I know they were a huge part of the show in the first two seasons, but back then we knew their purpose. Are we going to find out the reason for these or will be be a mystery for us to solve? Just as long as it doesn't turn out that someone can see through the eye tattoos on Michael's hands cos that would be a bit too sci-fi!
What is the significance of the name Kaniel Outis? We know that Outis is the Greek for no one, but Kaniel is such an odd name there must be a reason for it. Apparently it means “The Lord supports me”, but I don't know if that's important. And how did Michael become Kaniel? Since the name is in the jacket he was buried in, presumably this is linked to whoever had him buried. But why would they leave such an obvious clue? Unless it was Michael himself. C-Note's right, he's certainly smart enough to be behind all this, but why?