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Super Wedding

Mum and I went blood doning today. I wasn't able to donate cos my haemoglobin levels were too low, so Mum made up for it by donating too much. We both got handy leaflets to take home with us. It was funny cos before we went we were joking that Tilly wanted me to stay home and Mum could just donate for both of us!

In my previous entry I promised a more in-depth post about the wedding, so here we go:

I'm still not sure why I was an anxious about going to this thing. I mean, yeah, I know I'm still not great with being sociable but I've made so much progress in the past 15 years. I wasn't expecting this to affect me so much, but I was shaking on the way down and on the verge of tears quite a few times. I texted Paul and made him meet up with me before we checked in so I didn't have to go in by myself. And then I felt guilty for being so clingy.

The hotel was nice, although I had an issue with my door not locking. Paul and I went to reception and they said they'd send someone up to check it. After the ceremony I decided to pop up and see if it was fixed, but it still opened without the keycard. So I went back down and they said they'd sent someone and he said it was fine. Clearly didn't do a very good job with that! The lady then moved me to another room, so I went and moved my stuff down while pictures were being taken. It wasn't a big deal, but I really didn't need another thing to worry about when I was already so anxious.

The ceremony was nice, although out of date. The officiant said that "The law of this country defines marriage as the union of one man and one woman" and I was sitting there thinking "Not any more!" The meal was good too. Because the wedding was superhero themed we all got characters on our placecards. I was Storm, although I was sat on the Spiderman table rather than the X-Men one. But that's ok. Beast and Gambit were also there with me.

The reception followed, which was where I struggled a lot. The music was so loud and overwhelming I again felt close to tears and just wanted to escape. But I stuck it out. What helped a lot was moving to a nearby room where we could still hear the music, but it was at a far more manageable level. I wish we'd thought to do that earlier, but people seemed to be having fun dancing. The groom's father made me get up and dance at one point, which I really wish I was able to enjoy but I just felt too uncomfortable and self conscious. I told myself that I'd dance again when they played my song request, but they never did.

The hotel was only a couple of miles from my house but I chose to stay over so I didn't have to worry about getting a taxi home, and I'm glad I did. It was one less thing to panic about, and it meant that I got to have breakfast with friends (including the bride and groom) the next day, which was nice.

So yeah, I'm trying to focus on the positives of the weekend (namely the fact that I went and stuck it out till the end and it was a lovely wedding) and not so much the negatives (how much I leaned on Paul for support the whole time and the fact that I was panicking about quite simple things in the first place.)

And despite the fact that it went mostly well, I still spent a lot of Sunday plagued with the idea that everyone I talked to or interacted with now thinks I'm a horrible person because of something I said or did or didn't say or didn't do. That was fun.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
rachg82
Oct. 13th, 2015 07:03 pm (UTC)
I know I'm still not great with being sociable but I've made so much progress in the past 15 years.

Don't forget that relapses are an expected part of any type of recovery. What causes them can be multifold & very complicated, too, so don't get down on yourself for not being able to predict & prevent it either. What matters is how well you coped in response to it. In my opinion, reaching out to a friend doesn't make you needy -- it just shows that you were able to observe a coping skill you could use, and you took advantage of that. That shows self-awareness & initiative, imo. I'm sure if he hadn't been there, you would've figured out something else. But you didn't need to.

*hugs* for making it through what sounds like a super stressful day
crystalcazzie
Oct. 22nd, 2015 06:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you for such a lovely reply. That's a really good way to look at it and I hadn't really thought of it like that before, so thank you! *hugs*
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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