Caroline (crystalcazzie) wrote,
Caroline
crystalcazzie

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Nothing of Value to See Here



So I'm getting really nervous about this convention. I was at work yesterday thinking about it and the reality just kinda hit me and my chest did that thing where it feels like it's tightening into a knot and I had trouble breathing and I thought that I might have a full blown panic attack but luckily didn't, although I did feel shaky for quite a while afterwards. And then I felt guilty and stupid because I really don't think "Going to an awesome convention for something I love and meeting my favourite celebrities" is an acceptable reason for nearly having a panic attack. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I used to panic because I had to go to the shop to buy milk, so I guess this is a step up.

Three days ago someone made a post about a meet-up for Tumblr people at the convention. I decided I would send them a message and ask to join in. So far I've spent three days telling myself I'm definitely going to do it this time and never actually doing it. I keep writing out a message and then deleting it because what I said was stupid but I can't work out a better way of saying it. And I'm worried that they'll send me a reply saying "Lol, no. I meant a meet up for Tumblr people who actually know each other. Not creepy strangers such as yourself."

And I'm feeling very shallow at the moment and worrying about photographs and how bad I'm going to look in them. I want pictures of myself with the guests and I want to have a good time, but I fear my hideousness will ruin it.

I've got proper hours for my four days at work next week, which is good because this convention is expensive and I'm going to have no money by the end of it, but bad because I hate working until 5:30. And I'd hoped to be finishing early on the Thursday at least so I had plenty of time to make sure I had everything ready for the weekend. And yes, I know that's ridiculous. It's three days. I'm not catching a plane or leaving the country. But I like to be sure and I hate feeling rushed in any way.

And finally, as if this entry wasn't stupid enough, I feel the need to point out that Rob is watching the F1 in the same room as me and I hate it because I feel like the TV is shouting at me. It's not even loud but it's really setting me on edge.

Maybe I should go to bed. Or at least go upstairs and hide for a while.
Tags: anxiety, convention, doctor who, fail, social anxiety, tumblr, work
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