And we're back with Ryan Reynolds. Paul has pointed out that his bow tie isn't straight but other than that there's not much we can say. It's hard to judge male outfits cos they're all pretty much the same.
James Cameron's wife's arms are horrific. I like the way his touch of blue matches her dress though.
Angela is now talking to a man with a beard. I don't know who he is. Oh, he's Tom Ford. Thank you helpful caption!
Ok this is really annoying, they keep showing snippets of dresses but not enough to make proper judgements or see who's wearing them.
Angela is now talking to Mo'Nique. Her dress is very blue. Paul does not approve of the crinkly nature of it.
Ah, Sigourney Weaver. I like your dress. Paul disapproves of the brooch but I don't think it's too bad.
Quentin Tarantino looks weird but that's hardly unusual.
They just briefly showed Sandra Bullock and she looked very nice. Hopefully they'll have more of her later, she is nominated for a big award after all.
THAT MAN HAS A SHINY GREEN BOW TIE! AH, IT'S NICK PARK, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! FINALLY A MAN WHOSE OUTFIT IS NOT BORING! OMG HE MADE IT HIMSELF OUT OF WRAPPING PAPER! ILU NICK PARK!
Carey Mulligan is looking very nice in her weird scissor encrusted dress. I like it. She too has giant earrings, although hers are much nicer than Mariah Carey's.
There is a woman in blue in the background who looks so lost and confused.
Angela is talking to more men who are all dressed the same. So boring.
I hear a scream, clearly someone famous has arrived. Ah, Morgan Freeman. Understandable.
Hey, Sandra Bullock! I really wish they would actually show the dresses but all we're getting is the top parts. Still, her top part looks very nice.
WTF is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing?
Puss in Boots has weird slicked back hair. And Paul just said what I was thinking, which is that he looks so old.
Ooh, Melanie Griffith. She looks too normal, I didn't recognise her.
It's SJP! Ok, I see the eye make up now. It looks like her eyes have gone mouldy or something. Not a good look. Her dress does not look any better close up though. Last year I changed my opinion about her dress after seeing it in full but I doubt that will happen this year.
Miley Cyrus looks much better this year than she did last year. Her dress is not swallowing her this time.
Oy, Angela. Stop ignoring Colin Firth. We love Colin Firth.
Oh, we're looking back at last year's Oscars. Why? Hmm, I didn't realise Tom Ford talking about his film was the highlight of last year's Oscars. Methinks they've played the wrong thing.
Meryl Streep, not too bad. Better than last year but still not what I would call a good Oscar dress.
Demi Moore...what the hell is that thing you're wearing?
Angela says that George Clooney has just walked past! Nooo! I want to see George Clooney and his drunken-soundingness!
Now they're showing bits from last year. Ah, good times.
GEORGE! I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN ZERO, HE IS TOTALLY DRUNK! THIS IS HILARIOUS!
Paul thinks Jeff Bridges is looking hotter than George Clooney. I don't think I'd go for either of them. Although I suppose Jeff does have the advantage of not looking like he's about to fall over.
They're going over the Best Picture nominees for this year. I feel bad that I haven't seen any of these films!
It's Tim McGraw! I assume that must be Faith Hill with him. She looks pretty.
Ooh, another scream. Someone very famous must have arrived.
Angela Griffin is signing off now. Sorry Angela but you were very disappointing. Hopefully Claudia will be better.
And we have switched over to Sky Premier for the actual ceremony. Although I seem to remember from last year that there is a bit of talking beforehand anyway.
Who've they got commentating this year? Claudia, of course, Daivd Baddiel, Ronni Ancona and Marc Dolan. Hmm, I'm not sure about these people. At least Stephanie Beecham isn't there again. I don't have to follow through with my threat of jumping through the TV and hitting her over the head. (Although that would have been kinda fun.)
CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN STOP COMPARING HUGH JACKMAN TO RICHARD MADELEY OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND HURT YOU AND NOT A JURY IN THE WORLD WOULD CONVICT ME BECAUSE OH MY GOD YOU CAN'T COMPARE THE SEXIEST MAN IN THE WORLD TO RICHARD FUCKING MADELEY. YOU JUST CAN'T. IT IS A CRIME AGAINST ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE ON THIS EARTH AND BY EVEN SUGGESTING IT YOU MAKE KITTENS CRY AND RAINBOWS FALL OUT OF THE SKY. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SAD KITTENS AND NO RAINBOWS CLAUDIA? NO, NO YOU DON'T. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT COMPARISONS THAT MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE.
SERIOUSLY WOMAN. STOP IT.
You know, they're discussing proper Oscar-y things now but I don't even care because Mark Dolan is trying to sound smart and is wearing stupid white shoes and Claudia Winkleman is dead to me.
Apparently the Oscars loves British people. They're showing a load of clips of Brits winning various Oscars, from Julie Andrews to Danny Boyle. And I saw SIR Patrick Stewart there in the audience! He's never won an Oscar, has he? That's shocking.
OH MY GOD! ANGELA JUST SAID HER HIGHLIGHT WAS SEEING SARAH JESSICA PARKER.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER.
HER OF THE MOULDY NIGHTMARE EYES AND STUPID DRESS!
APPARENTLY SJP'S FAIL IS NOT UNANIMOUS!
ALTHOUGH, HAVING SAID THAT, MARK DOLAN JUST CALLED HER DRESS A CATASTROPHE. DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE HIM NOW? NO, BECAUSE HE PRECEDED THAT STATEMENT WITH "I AM NOT FEMALE NOR AM I A HOMOSEXUAL" SO I FEEL SAFE IN MY DISLIKE OF HIM.
The four of them have made their own predictions and are competing for a weird fake-Oscar. Is that supposed to be Claudia or something? Idek. Anyway, Cyber Candy sweets are totally better stakes than that.
Hey, it looks as though the actual ceremony is finally starting.
LOL, DRUNK CLOONEY IS ON STAGE LOOKING SO VERY DRUNK.
OMG IT'S NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! HE'S SINGING! I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE TO REACH THE STANDARDS OF LAST YEAR'S EPIC OPENING NUMBER BUT IT'S NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! SINGING! THIS IS GLORIOUS! I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS GOING TO DO THIS!
Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin are arriving from the ceiling in a giant bubble. Paul says he wants to do that.
The opening jokes are pretty funny. Although that 'spoilers' comment fell entirely flat. I like Drunk George's 'Don't mess with me' look though. And that's his new official name now, Drunk George.
Taylor Lautner is there! Maybe that's who they were screaming for earlier. He is from "that Twilight film"
Drunk George's bitchface is awesome.
Penelope Cruz's dress is quite nice.
Ooh, Best Supporting Actor. Christoph Waltz. I am in no way shape or form surprised. (I say things like that as though I'm actually in a position to judge. Really I've just done a lot of research about who other people think will win!)
The camera just panned over the audience and they all look so miserable. That's not good.
David Baddiel has never heard of Neil Patrick Harris! Shame on you David Baddiel.
I didn't notice it before but wow, the Oscars stage is sparkly.
Cameron Diaz is wearing a very pretty dress that really does not suit her. That's a shame.
They are... interviewing animated characters about what winning an Oscar would mean to them. Things like this almost never work and this is no different.
My prediction for Best Animated Film is Up and I will be extremely surprised if it doesn't win.
I am not surprised.
Amanda Seyfried and Miley Cyrus both have big skirted princess dresses, although Miley's dress's top looks like lingerie. That's weird.
The Weary Kind won Best Original Song. Another one I expected.
I think I need to make a start on the Mountain Dew. I'm flagging already.
Oh Tina Fey. No, no. You're a beautiful woman. Why have you done this? Robert Downey Jr on the other hand looks awesome. His bow tie matches his sunglasses!
It's time for Best Original Screenplay. This is the first award so far where I'm not confident about who's going to win. My prediction is Inglorious Basterds. But alas, I am wrong. It's gone to The Hurt Locker.
Now we have Matthew Broderick and a red headed woman in a purple dress who looks terrified and completely out of place. I assume she is not an actress.
You know, I've never actually seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It's referenced in so many things though that I think I probably should.
Zoe Saldana, watch out! Some giant black and purple muppet is trying to eat you from the ground up! Run! Run while you... oh, that's your dress. What is with all these beautiful actresses putting themselves into terrible outfits? Did they wake up one morning and think "You know what, I think I'm a little too gorgeous. I should do something about that." She still looks beautiful from the waist up though.
Aw, Nick Park didn't win Best Animated Short. I wanted his awesome wrapping paper bow tie up on stage.
Ben Stiller is a Na'vi. He looks... interesting. But he pulls it off much better than I would have thought!
Best Make Up - Star Trek. Yay!
I see a giant dress walking across stage. Who is in it? I...I'm not sure. I want to say Rachel McAdams?
Precious won Best Adapted Screenplay. That was not my prediction.
Ok, Steve Martin is being funny. I like this because there hasn't been much of the so-called presenters since the opening.
Queen Latifah's dress is very pretty.
Robin Williams has lampshades behind him. Why? I mean.... why?
Best Supporting Actress - Mo'Nique. I was pretty sure about that one.
Art Direction - Avatar. What is with this acceptance speech? One guy was talking about James Cameron then another guy took over and talked about himself.
Keanu Reeves is unimpressed with the whores/horses joke.
Ok, I have now seen SJP's entire dress and it's even worse than I thought. Did she do something to piss off her stylist?
Costume Design - The Young Victoria.
You know, I kinda miss Stephanie Beecham. I mean, I hated her but at least she elicited a response from me. These four are so boring I don't care what they're saying. I am amused that Mark Dolan is losing their predictions game though. He's so full of himself.
KRISTEN STEWART AND TAYLOR LAUTNER! TWILIGHT PEOPLE!
KRISTEN STEWART YOU ARE ONE OF THE WORST PRESENTERS I HAVE EVER SEEN! TAYLOR, YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD. I LIKE YOU.
OMG MORGAN FREEMAN YOUR AWESOMENESS KNOWS NO BOUNDS! YOU'RE IN THE AUDIENCE YET YOU'RE ALSO NARRATING THAT CLIP! THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE GOD. TRUE STORY.
That's a very pretty dress blonde lady who I'm not sure who you are talking about the Sci-Tech awards that no one cares about so all we get is a five second pan across the winners.
Cinematography. Harry Potter's only nomination, not that I expect it to win of course. Avatar won, which was not my prediction.
Hmm, Demi Moore's dress doesn't look as bad full on. Still not great, but not as terrible as I first thought.
Ah, in Memoriam. This is going to be a long one. Patrick Swayze, Jean Simmons, David Carradine, Dom DeLuise, Ron Silver, Brittany Murphy, Michael Jackson, Natasha Richardson, Karl Malden and all the rest. I'd forgotten some of them had died last year!
J-Lo's dress has exploded and is coming out everywhere.
People are... dancing on stage. Is it supposed to mean something? Oh, is this the Adam Shankman thing? Emma did say something about him being a producer this year.
It woke up Drunk George apparently.
Original Score - Up. My prediction.
Visual Effects - If Avatar doesn't win this then I have no idea what's going on. But it's ok, Avatar wins.
Drunk George is bobbing his head. WHY DRUNK GEORGE, WHY?
Best Documentary - The Cove. I like the woman's dress. It's simple and elegant. And I love how they got their sign up there and on screen!
Editing - The Hurt Locker.
Foreign Language Film - The Secret in their Eyes.
No Claudia Winkleman I do not want a nap. I want to go to sleep! A nap is not enough for how I'm feeling right now!
So, just the big awards to go. Hopefully I'll wake up a bit and have more to say about them. This is lasting longer than I expected. I thought it would be done by 4.
Best Actor. This is a weird way of doing it, they have someone who worked with each of the nominees to talk about them? And it looks like Drunk George has sobered up a bit now. How disappointing.
Oh god, they're going to talk forever aren't they?
Kate Winslet's presenting. What a boring dress.
Best Actor - Jeff Bridges. Another non-surprise. He's been talking for a long time. I guess the really strict time limit doesn't apply to the big winners.
Ok, time for Best Actress. I suppose this is a nice way of doing it, at least all the nominees get lots of nice things said about them.
No, Morgan Freeman. You are awesome and all but you are not nominated for best actress.
Best Actress - Sandra Bullock. Yay. Since Paul and I predicted the same things for the remaining two awards this means that I win! Woo hoo! Cyber Candy here I come!
Directing - Kathryn Bigelow. Yay again! I can't believe it's taken this long for a woman to win it!
Tom Hanks! Here to do Best Picture.
Wait... that was it? No build up? No reading of nominees? Just the winner is. I suppose that's why they were introducing all the films throughout the evening but still, that seemed awfully abrupt.
Bes Picture - The Hurt Locker.
Well that was a fun evening. Zero, did you make it till the end?
Caroline wants: 9
Caroline thinks: 14
Paul wants: 7
Paul thinks: 12