SOMEONE BOUGHT CHRISTMAS WRAPPING PAPER TODAY!

I FEEL THIS NEEDS TO BE IN ALL CAPS TO EXPRESS THE DEPTHS OF MY SHOCK AND HORROR.

I HAVE A LARGE RUM AND COKE TO HELP ME GET THROUGH THE TRAUMA.

YES...THE TRAUMA. IT WAS VERY TRAUMATIC. SO TRAUMATIC THAT I NEED MORE RUM.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS TRAUMATIC? THE, UM, LIGHT. YES, THE LIGHTS ARE NOT ON IN THIS ROOM AND IT IS GETTING DARK AND I AM TRAUMATISED AND MUST HAVE MORE RUM TO COPE WITH IT ALL.

(AND I HAVE JUST REALISED THAT THIS WOMAN'S ACTIONS HAVE MADE ME USE MY 'CHRISTMAS' TAG IN SEPTEMBER. THIS CALLS FOR EVEN MORE RUM!)