Caroline (crystalcazzie) wrote,

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I have seen Twilight. It was awesome. And by 'awesome' I mean it was hilarious. But it did not suck as much as the trailer led me to believe.

This would seem to be a good time for me to post the Twilight recap that I wrote after I read the book but never got around to putting up. It's not very good, but I like to amuse myself with things like this:

Setting: Forks, Washington

Bella: I hate this town more than anything in the whole world, but I’ve chosen to move here so my mom can have happy fun time with her new husband instead of being tied down with having to care about her daughter. Aren’t I wonderful?

Almost everyone in Forks: Hey, welcome. We’re here to help you and make sure you settle in well here. We’re all very nice and friendly.

Bella: Oh, what horrors I have to put up with in this horrible town.

Edward Cullen: I can’t stand to be near you.

Bella: I think I love you.

Car: *Nearly runs Bella over*

Edward: *Saves Bella despite being on the other side of the car park*

Car: *Has suspicious Edward-shaped dents in*

Other Cullen family members: Good job, idiot.

Bella: You’re totally going to tell me what happened there.

Edward: Actually I think I’ll just ignore you for the next month or so.

Mike, Eric and Tyler: We all still love you Bella.

Bella: Oh, how I suffer.

Edward: Hey, you know that whole ignoring you thing? Well, I’ve decided not to do that any more. Even thought I should. Because being friends with me is bad.

Bella: Cool. A group of us are going to the beach tomorrow. Wanna come?

Edward: No.

Jacob: Like every other male in this place, I like you Bella

Bella: Oh. Yay… What can you tell me about the Cullens?

Jacob: They’re vampires. So they’re mortal enemies with my people. You know, Native American werewolves.

Bella: Uh huh.

Bella: *Googles vampires on her computer, which is apparently from 1998*

Bella: I’m so glad good vampires exist, otherwise this creepy obsession I have with this boy I barely know and now believe to be a vampire would be really disturbing.

Bella, Jessica and Angela: Let’s go to Port Angeles to buy dresses!

Bella: I’m going to wander off alone around some warehouses in this strange town I’ve never been to before.

Strange men: *Evil intentions*

Edward: Never fear, I am here to save you!

Jessica and Angela: Oh, Bella, we were so worried about you. But we totally took time to eat dinner while we waited. Have fun with Edward.

Bella: How did you find me?

Edward: I followed you to this town then read the minds of Jessica and people in the street to find out where you were.

Bella: That’s so romantic and in no way creepy as hell.

Edward: I can read everyone’s mind except yours. Clearly your brain is faulty.

Bella: So, Jacob Black tells me you’re a vampire.

Edward: Yep.

Bella: I don’t care, I love you anyway.

Edward: Are you completely insane? I drink blood!

Bella: But only animal blood, right? Cos you’re a GOOD vampire.

Edward: You smell so good I’m using all of my willpower not to kill you right now.

Bella: That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.

*It is right after this scene that Bella realises that she is completely and totally in love with Edward*

Bella: I like you.

Edward: That’s bad. But I like you too.

Bella: Can I go hunting with you sometime?

Edward: Not unless you want to be eaten.

Bella: Your family doesn’t like me much, do they?

Rosalie: *Glares*

Edward: That’s because if I give into my intense urge to kill you and dump your body in a ditch, we’re all screwed.

Alice: I like you, Bella.

Edward: Want to go for a walk in these strange woods with me?

Bella: You betcha.

Edward in the sun: *Sparkle Sparkle*

Bella: I love you.

Edward: When you first came to town I had to go to Alaska for two days so I wouldn’t kill you.

Bella: That’s so romantic.

Edward: Wait… I’m feeling something I’ve never felt before… I think I’m… horny.

Bella: That’s so romantic.

Edward: I’ve been breaking into your house and watching you sleep.

Bella: That’s so romantic.

Edward: And now we’re in your room, alone together, on your bed. What shall we do?

Bella: Let’s debate evolution versus creationism as it relates to the existence of vampires.

Edward: That’s good, cos if we had sex I’d probably crush your skull.

Bella: I love you.

Edward: Meet my family. My father Carlisle is a super doctor who is making up for all his years of being a monster when he… never hurt anybody.

Billy Black: Be careful around that Edward boy, Bella. There’s things about him you don’t know.

Bella: I know more than you think I know.

Billy Black: Does Charlie know what you know?

Bella: No.

Billy Black: Oh.

Charlie: When are you going to introduce me to your boyfriend?

Bella: Charlie, Edward. Edward, Charlie.

Edward: I’m taking Bella to play baseball in a thunder storm.

Charlie: You crazy kids have fun.

*The vampires have to play baseball in a storm because they hit the ball, and each other, SO HARD it sounds like thunder.*

Other vampires: Ooh, can we play?

Carlisle: No.

James: Ooh, can we eat the girl?

Edward: No.

James: Well, I’m going to anyway.

Edward: Come on Bella, we’re going to take you somewhere safe.

Bella: Wait! I have a better plan. And of course you’ll all agree that it’s the best one, because I’m that wonderful.

Edward: But what about your safety?

Bella: I only care about you, your family and my parents, because I’m that selfless.

*Bella, Alice and Jasper go to Phoenix*

Bella (on phone): Mom, call me when you get this message.

Bella’s Mom (on phone): Bella!

James (on phone): I have your mother. Pretend everything is fine and meet me in the picturesque ballet studio by your house.

Bella: Everything’s fine. Honest. I’m not acting suspiciously at all.

Alice, a vampire with excellent hearing and the ability to see the future: Cool, ok.

*Bella gives the vampires the slip and goes to the ballet studio*

Old Home Video of Bella’s Mother: Bella!

James: Ha ha! I tricked you!

Bella: Wait… you never had my mother here, did you?

James: I’m going to enjoy eating you and hunting down your boyfriend.

Bella: I’m just so glad you don’t have anyone I love and I hope Edward doesn’t try to avenge me because I have to be noble and self sacrificing ‘til the end.

*Fight ensues. Bella’s leg and ribs are broken and her head cut open.*

Edward: *Timely rescue*

Bella: It’s burning!

Edward: He bit you! I shall now suck the poison out of your wound and refrain from drinking your blood dry even though it is very tempting.

Bella: But… can’t you just let me be a vampire?

Edward: No.

Bella: Aw. But when you kiss me my heart literally stops.

Edward: I don’t think that can be healthy.

*Edward takes Bella to prom, despite her strenuous objections, because what she wants is irrelevant*

Jacob: Hey, uh, my dad wants you to break up with your boyfriend.

Bella: That’ll never happen. I’m completely dependent on him and have a panic attack when he leaves the room.

Edward: Bella, you were so very brave when facing that nasty vampire.

Bella: So, are you going to turn me into a vampire now?

Edward: No.

Bella: Nuts. But you do promise to never, ever, ever leave me, right?

Edward: Sure, you know, whatever.
Tags: books, films, twilight

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