Location: Chicago. 2001.
*Lincoln and another criminal are sitting in a car, obviously about to do something illegal*
Lincoln: After this I’m leaving the criminal business. I want to be a good dad, not a felon.
Other Criminal: Yeah, yeah. Like that’ll happen.
*Another car appears and Lincoln deliberately drives his car into the side of it. He and criminal jump out, steal a briefcase and shoot people. Although, perhaps significantly, it’s the other guy who does the shooting. Not Lincoln.*
~End trip into the Past~
Location: Los Angeles. Present day.
Roland: So… you want to crash into General Pad Man’s car? Isn’t that a bit… crazy?
Lincoln: Shut it, you.
Sucre: I’m not sure I like the potential for serious injury or death inherent in this plan.
Location: A church
*Self and Michael are meeting with Evil Gretchen*
Evil Gretchen: Hey, no hard feelings about Panama, right?
Michael: What the hell do you want?
Evil Gretchen: To bring down the Evil Company.
Michael: Well then, just give us the Bird Book pages and fuck off.
Evil Gretchen: No can do. See, the Evil Company aren’t happy with me and I’d really rather not die.
*Michael grudgingly agrees that they’re partners*
Location: The Warehouse
*The Las Vegas team have returned. News of Roland’s stupidity has preceded them*
Michael: Go to your room and think about what you did.
Dr Sara: Michael? Can we have a little chat outside, please?
Dr Sara: So, Lincoln tells me you have potentially life threatening nosebleeds.
Michael: Blabber mouth big brother.
Dr Sara: He’s just worried about you.
Michael: He’s been overprotective since mom died. I’m fine. And, in other disturbing news, Gretchen’s alive.
*Dr Sara flashes back to Evil Gretchen’s prowess with a whip*
Michael: But I promise that once we’ve used her and T-Bag for what we need, they’ll both get what’s coming to them. Really.
Location: Roland’s bed
*Roland is doing fancy tech stuff on his laptop involving mobile phone towers*
Location: Downstairs in the Warehouse
Michael: So, team. We’re working with Evil Gretchen now.
Lincoln: And we’re close to Scylla.
Mahone: But further away from son-killing Evil Company Assassin.
Location: Roland’s bed
*Roland has plugged his mobile into his laptop*
Roland: Ahh. I wasn’t doing anything bad.
Michael: We need the laptop for a bit.
*Michael takes the laptop and leaves. Roland sends a text message.*
Location: Evil Company Assassin’s Hotel Room
Evil Company Assassin’s Phone: Beep
Text Message: How much for Scofield and Burrows?
Me: Oh, Roland, you rat. (And now I say that I realise we really should have seen this coming…)
Evil Gretchen: So, the plan is for T-Bag and Cleavage of Doom to provide distractions while Michael tunnels his way to Scylla.
T-Bag: I’m not sure I like this plan.
Asian Guys: *Appear*
Feng: So, remember our little chat about you getting Scylla and me not blowing your brains out?
Evil Gretchen: Before you do that, hi. I’m the one you liaised with in the Company on some other operation, which means you know I’m good and trustworthy.
Feng: So why are you trying to find the one thing that will bring down the Company now?
Evil Gretchen: Money. I want $125 million for Scylla.
Feng: Ok. But remember that the last person who let me down ended up skinned and hung from an overpass. Just saying…
Asian Guys: *Leave*
T-Bag: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s get to work!
*Sucre and Bellick are working on a car to make it crash worthy*
Lincoln: So I’m going to crash into General Pad Man’s car.
Michael: Then I’ll appear in an ambulance to take him to the ER.
Dr Sara: And on the way I’ll pump him so full of morphine that he’ll have no idea what happened when he wakes up tomorrow.
Self: I’ll go get an ambulance form the federal impound lot.
Location: Meeting Room
*The Cardholders are all sat round a table discussing important Evil Business*
General Pad Man: Destroying Laos’s economy was fun. Let’s do the US next.
Evil Company Assassin: Excuse me, I have an interesting text message you should see.
General Pad Man: Hmm. Bait the hook.
Location: Impound Lot Office.
Self: Hey, buddy. I need a car, but let’s sit and have a chat first.
Impound Guy: Cool
Monitors: *Show Lincoln breaking in*
*Michael and Lincoln are in the ambulance*
Michael: Don’t tell Sara things about me.
Lincoln: Hey, I’m just worried about you.
*Lincoln successfully hotwires the ambulance and they drive away*
Back in the office:
Impound Guy: Wow, having someone to talk to is great. I’ll get you that car now.
Self: Uh, you know what? Never mind. I have to… go now.
*Self leaves. His phone rings.*
Evil Gretchen (on phone): Hey, can you pass on a message for me?
*Dr Sara is getting her paramedics kit ready*
Roland: So, since neither you nor your boyfriend are wearing ankle monitors, why aren’t you off having hot fugitive sex in every hotel from here to Mexico?
(Me: I think I love you Roland. Why did you have to be such a bastard?)
Dr Sara: Because some things are more important than what two people want.
Spock: The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Roland: I’m sorry… for Vegas.
Dr Sara’s Phone: Ring, ring
Self (on phone): Evil Gretchen wants to meet with you at the Safari motel tonight.
Dr Sara: Hell, no.
Location: Warehouse Garage of Crashing Cars
Bellick: If I die, tell my mom I died a hero.
Sucre: Nobody’s going to die today.
Fate: Oh, you did not just say that.
*The team sets off in their separate vehicles, leaving Roland behind*
Text message on Roland’s phone: $1 million for the brothers. Today.
*Dr Sara is checking and rechecking her kit*
Michael: You know you don’t actually have to treat this bastard.
Dr Sara: Eh, I’m still a doctor.
T-Bag: So what’s my share of this $125 million?
Evil Gretchen: $25 million.
T-Bag: Just so you know, I killed six guys for stealing my beer. Imagine what I’d do for $25 million.
Evil Gretchen: Don’t worry, you’ll get your money. After you earn it.
T-Bag: And what are Scofield and co getting?
Evil Gretchen: Nothing they’ll be alive to collect.
T-Bag: This is a lot of trouble for the Company’s little black book.
Evil Gretchen: I’m amused that people still think Scylla is just the Company’s little black book.
Tex message from Evil Company Assassin: How do I know I can trust you?
*Roland looks around and sees the map with the latest plan of action on it and texts back with the location of the planned crash*
Dr Sara: You know, symptoms of a brain tumour like your mother’s include loss of short-term memory, and problems with depth perception and motor skills. You’d tell me if you had anything like that, right?
Michael: Sure, sure. But I’m fine. Totally fine.
Location: Crashing Car
Lincoln: You know, I can crash this car by myself.
Sucre: After everything we’ve been through, NOW you’re worried about me? Shut up and drive.
*But before the plan can be put into motion, General Pad Man’s car sharply turns and Evil Company Assassin appears with his gun.*
Sucre: *Is shot*
Me: No! Sucre is too hot to die! We established this two seasons ago!
Dr Sara: Stay with me Fernando while I use our planning table as a makeshift operating theatre and have flashbacks to trying to save a blonde woman while I was being held captive by Evil Gretchen.
Bellick: How did they know we were there?
Michael: Hmm, this map here shows our every move… right where Roland can see it.
Location: Roland’s Bed
Text message to Evil Company Assassin: Trust me now?
Roland: Ack! Stop doing that.
Michael: So, looks like someone set us up. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?
Roland: No, and I am offended at the very suggestion. I demand an apology!
Michael: Good luck with that.
*Self is meeting with Evil Gretchen and T-Bag*
Evil Gretchen: I want to do things my way.
Self: Tough. You work for me now and you’ll do what I say or I’ll shoot you in the head.
Evil Gretchen: Sexy.
*Cleavage of Doom enters*
Cleavage of Doom: Here, take this clipboard. I’ve made a list of the various comings and goings of the office.
Evil Gretchen: Just sit out the front and answer the phones.
*Cleavage of Doom leaves and T-Bag follows*
T-Bag: Did you get it?
Cleavage of Doom: Yep. Now we have Evil Gretchen’s fingerprint, she can’t screw us over when it comes to the money. How much is this thing worth, anyway?
T-Bag: One million dollars.
Cleavage of Doom: Wow.
Location: Evil Meeting Room
General Pad Man: When I said to bait the hook, I didn’t mean with me. They could have killed me!
Evil Company Assassin: If that’s what they wanted, they could have done it easily.
Dr Sara: Success! I have removed the bullet and therefore Sucre is going to be just fine because that’s the only danger of a gunshot wound.
Michael’s Phone: *Rings*
Self (on phone): Why has Roland’s GPS gone offline?
*The guys run upstairs and notice Roland’s ankle bracelet has been cut off and he is gone*
Me: Wait! You can just cut those things off? I thought they were supposed to be almost impossible to remove.
Michael: And he’s taken the laptop. Let’s go.
*The guys go*
*Dr Sara finishes sewing up Sucre and goes to wash her hands, resulting in another flashback about Evil Gretchen shooting a blonde woman in the head. I’m not sure how she ever thought she was going to be able to save her after that.*
Location: Alley of Traitors
Roland: You got my money?
Evil Company Assassin: No. I’m just going to shoot you in painful places until you tell me where the brothers are.
Roland: Hey! No fair, man.
Location: Safari Inn
*Dr Sara enters the designated meeting room, flashing back to the blonde woman slipping her a key*
Evil Gretchen: Hello Sara. I think it’s important that we work well together so I’m giving you an opportunity to whip me on my already scarred back in return for what I did to you and then we’ll be even and able to put it all behind us.
Dr Sara: What was the name of the guard you killed?
Evil Gretchen: Seriously? That’s what you care about?
Dr Sara: Tell me, or I’ll slash your throat with this handy scalpel here.
Evil Gretchen: Michelle, I think. I had to kill her, she tried to help you escape.
Dr Sara: Did didn’t try. She did help me escape.
Evil Gretchen: Then she got what she deserved.
Dr Sara: This isn’t over. When we’re done, you’ll pay for Michelle.
Location: Alley of Traitors
Evil Company Assassin: I’m going to keep shooting you until you tell me what I want to know. I can do it so it’ll take you days to die in agony.
Roland: Ok, they’re in the Warehouse.
Evil Company Assassin: For that, I will shoot you in the stomach.
*Evil Company Assassin pulls out his mobile to make a call*
Mahone: DIE SON-KILLER!
Evil Company Assassin: Ack!
Lincoln: Calm down. We’ll take him in and you’ll get your shot.
*Mahone doesn’t want to calm down and has to be held back by Lincoln as Bellick takes Evil Company Assassin away*
Michael: I’ll just take back this laptop where I hid a GPS chip earlier.
Roland: I’m sorry.
Michael: I know.
Roland: I’m not ready to go.
Michael: I’ll hold you hand while you die. And think pensively about my own mortality.
Location: Evil Company Meeting of Evil Cardholders
General Pad Man: They’re coming after me! This isn’t fair! I want Evil Company Assassin.
Evil Lackey: Uh, we can’t reach him at the moment.
General Pad Man: Damn. Then we need to move Scylla.
Lisa: But that’ll take days.
General Pad Man: I don’t care. Just get it done.
Is Scylla really that big? What could it be?
So that’s the end of Roland. I must say I’m a bit disappointed. As obnoxious and stupid as he was I still thought that he was going to come through in the end and prove himself as one of the good guys.
I’m also a bit shocked at the thing with Lincoln at the beginning. I was always under the impression that while he had been a criminal it was more things like stealing cars, doing drugs, maybe robbing a few liquor stores but without the intention to kill anyone. Like I said in the recap, I think it’s significant that it was the other guy who did the killing, but I’m still surprised that Lincoln would be involved in a job like that at all.
Also, the Sara/Gretchen thing is very reminiscent of season two when Sara was dismayed to discover that she had to work with Evil Paul, who had tortured her. Poor woman gets tortured a lot. And yet she still stays with Michael. It must be love.