Episode 4.7 Five The Hard Way
Location: Cole Pfeiffer's Apartment
*T-Bag is tied to a chair. This seems to happen to him a lot*
Evil Gretchen: Tell me what you know and you might get to keep your body parts
T-Bag: I know the word ‘Scylla’ and all about this here Bird Book.
*Gretchen makes a point about getting Scylla either with T-Bag or through him. She does this by cutting various lines in his arm*
T-Bag: Ow. Ok, I’ll help.
Location: The Warehouse of Secret Planning
Michael: So, Cardholder Number 5, Mr Scuderi, has gone on a little trip to Las Vegas.
Self: You guys planned this, didn’t you?
Lincoln: Us? Never!
Self: Can’t you wait and get close to him at his agricultural firm?
Michael: No, because that’s not nearly as exciting.
Self: Fine, you can go. But behave yourselves or you’ll be in big trouble
*Self asks Mahone to step outside for a quick word.*
Self: I’m scared that Evil Company Assassin is going to come and kill me.
Mahone: Relax. If he’s going to kill you, you won’t see him coming.
Self: Uh… comforting.
*Evil Company Assassin = Chuck Norris*
Self: Anyway, what should I do?
Mahone: Wait, weren’t you perfectly willing to leave me in prison where I would almost certainly be tracked down and killed just last week?
Self: Bygones. So, my plan?
Mahone: Make like Scofield and bring the game to him.
Self: I’m screwed, aren’t I?
Location: The Evil Company’s Evil Headquarters
General Pad Man: You know that killing this Self character won’t be as easy as offing a little boy, don’t you?
Evil Company Assassin: Of course, but I have reason believe that he’s working with Scofield, Burrows and Mahone in some super secret plot against us. If I kill the head, the body will follow.
Me: Self the head? HA! Self is the useless lump on the side that thinks he’s the head.
Evil Company Assassin: Also, my fee just doubled.
Me: I think it says a lot about how good Evil Company Assassin must be at his job that General Pad Man doesn’t even protest this demand.
*Bellick has a phone call*
Cleavage of Doom (on telephone): Hey, I have some information about that guy you were looking for. I want $2000 to meet with you.
Bellick: When and where?
*The team now have a decision to make*
Roland: We have to go to Vegas first cos getting the card is more important
Sucre: We have to get T-Bag cos he’s a bad, bad man.
Michael: Ok, Lincoln, Sucre, Sara and Roland go to Vegas. Bellick, Mahone and I will go get T-Bag.
Roland: Woo! Vegas!
*Michael makes a joke to Sara about getting Carrot Top’s autograph and is so sweet and coupley and I’m still amazed at all these jokes Michael seems to make now.*
Location: A Parked Car
*Michael and Mahone are waiting for Bellick to return from his meeting with Cleavage of Doom*
Bellick (on phone): Hey, uh, you should come here to meet with this chick.
*Michael and Mahone head to the roof to meet with this chick*
T-Bag with gun: Boy, are you guys stupid.
*The guys are tied up with zip ties but Mahone proves his gymnastic skills by escaping off the rooftop down to the street with his hands tied together while T-Bag shoots at him*
Michael: I’ll just sit here quietly and wait for you to finish rather than taking advantage of the fact that all your focus is on Mahone right now.
Location: Cole Pfeiffer’s Apartment
T-Bag: So, you’re a genius. Tell me what the clues in this Bird Book mean and how we get Scylla.
Michael: Ok, but only after surreptitiously checking to make sure my ankle bracelet is still there in order to remind the viewers that Agent Self is tracking us wherever we go and will therefore know exactly where we are.
Location: Don Self’s Office
*Self looks through his filing cabinet and pulls out a file labelled “The Comrie Group”*
Location: Car Park
*Evil Company Assassin fills his car up with various tools handy for the killing of people and the disposing of bodies*
Location: Car Park, presumably a different one from before
Self: Michael and Bellick are still in the same place as when you called me earlier.
Mahone: Obviously T-Bag wants something from Michael.
Self: Companionship and support?
Location: Las Vegas, baby! With stock footage that doesn’t look nearly as good as the ones in CSI. Possibly because it’s daytime.
Roland: Hey Sucre. I bet there are plenty of lovely ladies here who would love to help you get over Maricruz.
Lincoln: We’re here for the card, not happy fun time.
Roland: But… we can gamble a bit too… right?
Lincoln: I wonder if I should be worried about the fact that Michael hasn’t called his girlfriend in a while? He’s usually so clingy.
Location: Security Room of the Casino
Guard: Hmm…I know that man.
Me: Would Roland be stupid enough to go to Vegas if he has a history there bad enough for guards to recognise him at a glance? Really?
Location: Cole Pfeiffer’s Apartment
Michael: Right, so this page sticks to that page. Hmm… I wonder what this reference to GATE could be? I think I’ll keep this page.
T-Bag: Made any progress yet?
Michael: First tell me what GATE is.
T-Bag: Oh no, don’t try none of that stalling with me buster. Get to work or I’ll put a bullet in Cleavage of Doom here.
Cleavage of Doom: Eep.
T-Bag’s Phone: Ring, ring
T-Bag: I’ll be right back
*T-Bag goes into another room where Evil Gretchen is waiting*
Evil Gretchen: I peered round the corner and noticed that Bellick and Scofield are wearing ankle monitors. Get the make and serial numbers for me.
T-Bag: Me? Why can’t you do it?
Evil Gretchen: If Michael realises I’m involved things could get ugly. He’s not been very happy with me since I fake killed his girlfriend and tortured her for real.
Location: Las Vegas
*Sara is looking glamorous and I must say I approve of all these missions that require her to dress up.*
Sara: You’re worried about Michael, aren’t you?
Lincoln: He and our mother share many similarities. Intelligence, taste, nosebleeds that turn out to be brain tumours.
Lincoln: Mom died of a brain aneurysm when she was 31.
Sara: Hey, that’s Michael’s age! Oh.
Location: Outside Cole Pfeiffer’s Apartment
Mahone: All right, my handy little monitor says that Michael is still inside. Time to make my entrance.
Ankle monitor: Ha! I am no longer attached to an ankle! Instead I am sitting on the table mocking you.
Me: I’m impressed that T-Bag got it off without cutting off Michael’s foot, which would probably have been his first choice.
Origami Swan: All is not lost! For I am here on the floor, waiting for you to pick me up and unfold me to reveal my secrets: the word ‘GATE’.
T-Bag’s co-worker: Heh, now that I’ve got rid of that little weasel, this office is mine.
Evil Gretchen: Oh, I have a different fate in store for you.
Location: El Camino Apartments. Where Cleavage of Doom lives.
Bellick: You all right?
Cleavage of Doom: They told me not to talk to you.
Bellick: They? Who’s this they?
Michael: And if I stick these pages together, voila! A blueprint. Sort of.
T-Bag: Wow, you work quickly.
Michael: Looks like Scylla’s under your office in GATE. Take me there.
T-Bag: Ah, I see. You want all that Scylla money too, don’t you?
Michael: Yes. You know me so well.
Location: Don Self’s House
Evil Company Assassin: Hello? Anybody home? Evil Company Assassin here!
Self: *Is not at home*
Location: General Pad Man’s Office
General Pad Man: Self can’t have gotten far.
General Pad Man’s Secretary: Sir, Don Self is here to see you.
Me: Ok, that was funny.
Location: Las Vegas
*The fourth cardholder, Scuderi, is happily gambling away*
Lincoln: Hey, mind if I join you at this table.
Sucking device: *Sucks* *burps* Full now.
Location: Outside Cleavage of Doom’s Apartment
*Evil Gretchen drives up to meet with T-Bag*
T-Bag: Michael’s made some blueprints of GATE.
Evil Gretchen: Great. I have your annoying co-worker tied up in the trunk of my car.
T-Bag: Uh… you’re not going to do that to me, are you?
Evil Gretchen: Relax. I need you. Otherwise you’d be dead already.
Location: Las Vegas
Roland: So the problem is that my sucking device sucks up everything in range and with all the slot machines around here, it fills up fast.
Sara: Like with information about when a machine is about to pay out?
Roland: Well, yes. But that’s totally not why I built it. Honest.
Sucre (on phone): Hey, I followed Scuderi to the pool and I can tell you he doesn’t have the card on him now. Those shorts leave nothing to the imagination.
Location: General Pad Man’s Office
General Pad Man: So, Donald, have you wet yourself yet?
Self: I have here some files that prove you did lots of bad things and if I happen to mysteriously die my various lawyers will open the letters I’ve sent them and you’ll be screwed.
General Pad Man: I’m impressed. Want a job?
Self: Hell, no.
Location: Cleavage of Doom’s Apartments
*Evil Gretchen is making T-Bag’s Co-Worker write his resignation letter. It includes the phrase “unable to escape these circumstances.” Heh.*
T-Bag: Bet you regret picking on me now.
Co-Worker: I’m sorry. Please don’t kill me.
Evil Gretchen: *Kills him*
T-Bag: Wow, you’re cold.
Cleavage of Doom: I’m beginning to think that trying to blackmail this guy was a bad idea.
Location: T-Bag’s Office at GATE
Michael: This here’s the way in
T-Bag: No, that’s a closet.
Michael: That’s what you think.
Location: Beside the Pool. Las Vegas.
Dr Sara: Hey good-looking, fancy letting me up to your hotel room so I can win a scavenger hunt?
Bartender: Don’t feel bad, you’re not his type. Before you sat down, he was chatting me up.
Sara: Hmm. If only we had a young attractive man on our team…
Location: Hotel Room. Las Vegas.
Sucre: Hell, no.
Roland: Come on. Maricruz will never know.
Sucre: Yeah, cos that’s what I’m most worried about.
Lincoln: It’s only two minutes. What’s the worst that can happen? Take one for the team!
Me: So, why is it ok for Sara to do this but not Sucre? Seems a bit sexist to me.
Location: Closet off of T-Bag’s Office.
T-Bag: So, how much do you think this Scylla thing is worth?
Michael: I’m more interested in this hole in the floor I’ve just uncovered.
T-Bag: You, me and a dark hole. Feels like old times.
Michael: Probably my least favourite idea right about now.
Location: Poolside. Las Vegas
*Sucre is showing off just what a very nice body he has*
Sucre: Oh, what a shame it is that I have gambled away all my money.
Scuderi: I know a way you could make some more *wink wink* Fancy coming up to my room for some business talk and fine cognac?
Sucre: Well, I think I’ll definitely need a drink after this.
Me: Wow, that was easy. He didn’t even need to try to get up there. He’s just invited!
Location: Dark Tunnels under GATE
Michael: This is as far as I go.
T-Bag: Have you forgotten I have a gun? What’s next?
Michael: Oh, I think I’m going to lock you in this room and leave you here to be arrested.
T-Bag: How exactly do you plan to do that?
Me: It’s nice to see Alex and Michael working so well together.
Location: Scuderi’s Hotel Room
Scuderi: You look nice. Ever been in the military?
Scuderi: Here, let me open this briefcase.
Sucking device: Bingo! *Sucks*
Scuderi: I was in the military. Got my upper thigh shot out and lost all sexual function as a result.
Sucre: Oh… so why….?
Scuderi: I want you to bang my young, beautiful wife for me.
Location: The Team’s Hotel Room
Lincoln: If he’s not back in the next minute I’m going in after him.
Sucre: Never fear, I have returned.
Roland: So? How was the gay love?
Sucre: Not so gay.
Roland: Did you…?
Sucre: Not telling.
Me: Ooh, I hope he didn’t. Not after three years of Maricruz worshipping.
Location: Leaving the Casino
Roland: Uh, guys? I’ll be with you soon. Just got to... go to the loo...
Me: They trust him alone? When did they become total morons?
Roland: All right, time to scam a slot machine.
Casino Security: Didn’t we ban you from all our casinos?
Casino Security: We’ll be taking this interesting looking device now.
Roland: Uh, guys? I kinda lost our incredible important sucking device due to being a greedy bastard.
Lincoln: You are so getting left in the desert.
Roland: I can build another one!
Lincoln: Yeah? Sand how long will that take you?
Sara: Ok. Let’s just get back to LA and have Self sort it out.
*T-Bag is trying, and failing to open the gate to his makeshift cell with his fake hand. He only succeeds in losing said hand*
Self: He sure is a noisy little bastard. So what’s the deal with that room down there?
Michael: Nothing important. Bet you all thought it was going to turn out to be the exact room we needed. Actually, the underground tunnels lead to the building where we can decode Scylla, which is also where General Pad Man works.
Self: Uh huh.
Michael: We’ll need to have access to the GATE building.
Mahone: I know! We can pretend to be from the IRS. That way we can get on with things while everyone else tries their best to keep the hell out of our way
Michael: This all sounds very simple.
Rubbish Bin: *Rings*
Self: Should I answer the ringing bin? Yes, yes I shall.
Evil Gretchen (on phone): We have a lot in common. Open the envelope I’ve left you.
Self: It’s photocopies of Bird Book pages. Goody(!)
Evil Gretchen: You don’t get the rest until I see Bagwell.
Me: Why does she want T-Bag? It can’t be because she cares about his wellbeing.
Michael: *Grabs phone* Who is this?
Evil Gretchen: Hello, Michael.