Still Here. Still Whining.

Mar. 28th, 2007 at 2:59 AM

I haven't been posting here for a while because for the last week I have been feeling like I was about to break down and/or blow up. Which seems to be a common theme on my friends list as well, so I don't know if it's something about the time of year or some kind of infection passing through the internet that's spreading through LJ land like wildfire.

I still don't feel great. I haven't heard back from any libraries and while I desperately want a job I'm still terrified by the idea of getting one. I know I've been getting better with my confidence but the very thought of going to an interview still makes me feel sick. I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I just keep telling myself that I don't have a choice but I don't know if that's going to be enough when it comes down to it.

If it comes down to it, I should say. After all I've not exactly had much success so far. I've extended my field of search and have applied to my local library on a non-CILIP post as well as all the year-long ones I've been going for.

It looks like I may have to extend the search even further to non-library posts, but there's so little I see myself being able to do. And the crippling shyness is a hindrance to pretty much everything.

I hate this. I hate being so useless and I really hate that I'm 23 and not really living. I leave the house about once a week and that's a big improvement on how it used to be not so long ago when I could go weeks without venturing beyond the front steps. I have no job, I have no life and I have very little hope for the future.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music:Joining You - Alanis Morissette

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

tyasante

Mar. 28th, 2007 07:22 am (UTC)

[hugs] We should hang out more. You're not useless, it's just really hard to get a job. I hope something comes along for you soon, because it needs to happen.

Also, you know you totally want to come see TMNT with me and stark and blue. You TOTALLY want to see it with me. [nods] Oh yes, you do.

And you can't be shy around me, you've slept with me! [grins]

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crystalcazzie

Mar. 29th, 2007 03:28 pm (UTC)

Thanks for the reply. And for last night, I had a great time even though we didn't get to see TMNT.

And true, I can't be shy around you or Paul for that very reason. =D

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alien_zero

Mar. 28th, 2007 02:16 pm (UTC)

If you do the scary things that make you feel sick you'll soon get better at doing them, and gain confidence in yourself. Even if you're terrified, go in there at least pretending you're sure of yourself. It gets easier with time. I used to get sick before going to work, and I used to get sick before going to play hockey. I still get nervous, but my anxiety is getting better and better all the time. You're more than capable of doing this, you just have to get over that first hurtle.

With job searching, to start you may have to take something below what you really want. If it comes to that, don't let it discourage you. You'll be getting job experience that will help you land better and better jobs. But don't give up! Eventually you'll find something.

I understand how bad shyness can be, I've been there myself and sometimes still struggle with it. But it really is possible to get over it. Just keep pushing forward. Two years ago I never thought I'd be where I am now.

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crystalcazzie

Mar. 29th, 2007 03:38 pm (UTC)

Thanks for replying. I'm trying and, like I said in my post, I am getting better. I just need to keep thinking of the things that I can do that used to scare me rather than the things that still do.

Some day soon I think I'm going to go to a recruitment centre and see if there's anything there. I got two more library rejections today so I'm thinking that probably won't pan out.

I really do appreciate your input because I think you're one of the few people who really does understand just how bad shyness can be.

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