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31 Days

It's been exactly a month since Dad died and I know that's a pretty arbitrary milestone, but it still weighed quite heavily on me today. Things weren't helped by the fact that one of my colleagues had set up a static bike ride today to raise money for Macmillan. It's not that I object to the concept of raising money for a cancer charity, of course, but seeing the word 'cancer' all around the place felt like the universe was conspiring to rub my face in it all day.

Then this afternoon I set up the new Sky box that Mum had ordered to replace our one that had been getting rather flaky lately. It didn't have the same RF ports on the back that the old one had, which was a problem cos we'd used them in order to get signal to all the other TVs in the house (not just Sky, the normal digital signal was routed through it as well, so it was pretty important!) I managed to work out what I needed to do to sort it out and felt very proud of myself. But I also almost burst into tears because I kept thinking that Dad would know what to do, if only I could ask him, and it was just another reminder that I'll never be able to ask him anything ever again.

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rachg82
Apr. 20th, 2016 02:43 am (UTC)
I'm not sure if it will comfort you any, but I remembered the one-month mark being important to me too, and I went back & found what I wrote about it then:

"It's been over a month now since my mom died, and I think my migraines are just now finally letting up a bit...I still wake up literally sore & stiff from how tense I apparently get during my sleep, though; this morning I could actually see wet spots on my shirt from sweat. That's not normal for me even during the summer.

...I'm still crying pretty much every day, and I don't really know what to say about that. Like, it's grief. It's a mother dying so young that *her* mother hadn't even died yet. What is there to say? How many different ways can you say that you're sad and angry?"


All that just to basically say that how you're feeling right now is TOTALLY NORMAL. Dates become so significant after the death of a close loved one, because the fact that time keeps moving on without them--and having the calendar REMIND you of that--is so painful & wrong feeling. Like the entire universe is out of order.
crystalcazzie
May. 12th, 2016 06:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you, that does help actually. And I hope you don't think I'm being creepy but I did go back and read some of your old entries from around that time to reassure myself.

I know logically that there's no "correct" way to react to grief, but I can't help the part of me that's worried I'm somehow doing it wrong.
rachg82
May. 13th, 2016 10:25 am (UTC)
I don't think that's creepy at all! That's always been one of the motivating factors for me in sharing my life with random strangers online. Just the possibility that someone suffering will find comfort in my experiences & words makes me feel like it's worth opening up all my raw shit to an audience, & like I didn't go through all the pain I've gone through for nothing.

And dude, wondering whether I'm grieving "wrong" has fucked with my head almost the entire time my mom's been gone. My sister has told me she struggles with the same issue. I *still* have to be reminded sometimes even now that there's no time table for grief. And just to prove how normal and "correct" your feelings are, I found an excerpt expressing the same thing from May of 2012 (two months after she died):

"I wanted to express here how I've been feeling lately, but it's hard. It's like trying to grab air while walking against the wind. It's just there. Everywhere, all over me & inside me. And it constantly shifts, changing tone & shape, leaving me off-kilter & frustrated. The fact that I don't even want to be feeling it in the first place just adds to the instability. Looking back to recall the specifics of it is like…yeah, I don't even know. Tiring & overwhelming. I keep saying to people how it seems there should be a proper way to grieve, a way to snap your fingers & get it over with, a way to do it without getting depressed, without it taking over & interfering with your ability to function, without it showing up on your face and in your voice and whatever else when you don't want it to, etc. But as my counselor keeps reminding me, that's not how it is.

...Really, some of what I've been feeling is just too raw still...Sometimes it's fucking unimaginably horrible, and sometimes it's all right. That's all I can say."

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